The last few days have been difficult in our house. Not only are the two adults in the house sick, but E.W. has had an extremely hard time of it lately. As I sit here now, as frustrated as I’ve been over the last few days, I am simply sad for him. My heart is breaking that he doesn’t know how to say he doesn’t like something or to ask for space. It saddens me he doesn’t want to play with his siblings and that it’s easier for him to lay on the floor and kick/scream than to say what’s wrong. I long for the day he can say what he wants, or doesn’t want, and when the little things aren’t life or death to him. (though, right now I don’t know if that will ever be the case)
Els is taking advantage of how he feels. Pushing the limits with him until he goes nuts screaming and hitting the floor/kicking at anyone who walks close. I know she doesn’t understand what she’s really doing to him, but she does know what she’s doing. It’s a tough situation to be in. On one level what she is doing is not nice and in fact is quite mean, and on another level E.W. is just over reacting. But to him, his anger is rational. As rational as my one year old’s fits. In some ways, they are on the same level. I’m at such a loss on how to explain to Els why what she’s doing isn’t okay and why he’s responding so strongly. The words just won’t form. At least not in a way my five year old will understand.
I-man doesn’t want to be left out-so he has been competing with E.W.’s screams and fits. He’s so little, he has no idea that what he’s doing is not really appropriate. And it’s hard to get upset. My aggravation lies in a space too small, two loud screamers, and a daughter who thinks she’s the mom and tries to handle things on her own.
I struggle to know that how I handle each issue is right. I often wonder if God would be proud of the way I’ve approached each thing as it has come my way. I’m so easily agitated, so often I snap or act short tempered. I’m on edge and over tired. I can’t sleep at night-on nights E.W. doesn’t end up in my room and the baby sleeps through, I lay awake wondering if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure there must be. Surely a God as gracious as mine can heal my son, or at least lead us to those who can help him to express his feelings and do things I have yet to see him do. The day he says “I love you, Mom.” I know I’m going to cry uncontrollably.
I love my kids, I love them unconditionally. And even in these bad days it is reiterated in my mind. I have never loved any so deeply as these three precious beings. I don’t place all my dependence on their presence, but without even one of them in my life, I know things would never be the same. I am so blessed to have such empathetic and sweet babies. They all feel others’ pain like it’s their own. Their hearts are so big. Snuggling them and reading to them is the highlight of my days. But on days like these, it can be hard to see the big picture. I see my daughter rebelling, my youngest acting out for attention, and my middle son screaming at every moved toy or bumped crayon.
I know I’m not alone-sometimes its hard to believe. Everything we deal with is so personal-yet at least thousands others deal with the same obstacles and worse each day. I have it “easy” in comparison, yet it feels so heavy a burden to bear at times. E.W. gets tested the 8th and 10th-we’ll get some more concrete answers. I’ve seen the symptoms before, so I have an idea-but to get the help he needs will be so invaluable. I am deeply praying it’s problems fixed with therapy-that he will lead a normal life someday. With this, you just never know. I worry constantly, and pray even more. I have faith things can and will be better-when I don’t know. But I am so thankful to have a God of peace. Just putting words on paper (or online lol) helps.
I will continue to share with you as the weeks go by-I know this is just the start of our journey. If you ever need to vent yourselves, know I’m just a click away (or text for some) and am always available to talk to/bounce ideas off of/or to listen. Must go for now, I-man is making a reappearance after an after supper nap…
God bless you all,
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