Not What You’ve Asked For

It’s funny how you always hear people say, “Just do you” or “Just be yourself” and that if people don’t accept that then they aren’t worth it yada, yada, yada. What a load of crock! Truth is, they say that to make you feel better, but rarely do people actually mean it.

It endlessly amazes me how the same person can be proud of me for being myself can be mad at me days later for being the same thing! I am trying to keep this G rated-so in short words, I am to a point I just don’t care anymore. Pleasing everyone doesn’t work, and no one is ever going to be 100% pleased with any decision I make, even myself if I get into it, but it doesn’t matter! I am me, and ‘me’ is good, I’ll live my life-just as I should.

I have spent a lifetime trying to make everyone happy. Of course, I know I fail miserably, more often than not because others’ pressure or even the pressure I put on myself eventually cracks me. I grew up in a broken home. I am sure I will get a few people mad at me for saying so-but if any of us were honest about it-we had two parents, but our home was still broken. Few of us connect with each other even now, and we are all closing in on our 30’s if not already there!  I remember from a very early age screaming that I was going to “run away” and I even remember saying I was going to “kill myself” because my parents were fighting. Having two parents in the home does not mean it is the ideal home, or even the environment a child should be in. It can be just as unhealthy and harmful to be in a home full of tension and fighting.  (I may get into this in another blog-but this post is not about that technically)

If it stopped at home, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad-but it only got worse from there. As children, we all aspire to make everyone happy, from parents, to siblings, teachers, friends, and other adults and people we are in contact with. (think clubs and churches)  I for one felt the pressure to be perfect from a young age. Between home, school, and church, the standards were high and the pressure was outstanding.  For starters, my parents expected it, but then we were taught in church that if we were not perfect we were horrible people and God wouldn’t love us the same because we weren’t good enough. (Yet Salvation is by belief not works-yeah, figure that one out)  It’s funny how we were taught that to me, because what I have learned over time is God loves us all the same, Christians, non-Christians, Atheist, Muslims, Jehovah Witnesses (and so many more than I can list). It doesn’t matter-He loves us the SAME! It is what we do with that love that is different. Whether we are disobedient to God (which face it we all are!) or accept his Salvation and are “perfect” God loves us the same.  Does He get disappointed when we do wrong or discipline us when we disobey? Certainly! But the misconception that who we are or what we do defines his love for us is completely misled.

Anyways, I digress. Continuing….So from a young age we are told to “be ourselves” while being taught to do what others want of us and expect of us. All it does is set us up for failure! I have say, not everyone is raised this way, but I have definitely seen where many children in so called Christian homes are. It is saddening, the reality that some of the most “upstanding” of people are the least “upstanding” when it comes to their home life. It’s easy to look good two or three times a week at church, or even here online.

I grew up trying to be skinny enough, athletic enough, and smart enough for my peers, parents, and even some of my teachers. I then tried to be the ‘perfect’ up standing Christian they wanted me to be. I spent so much time worrying about what others wanted of me, I had no time to figure out who I was myself. I now know I am a smart, courageous, funny, and independent woman. I know that despite being quiet sometimes, I am more than willing to fight for myself and my children as much as I need to.

I can tell you that when I was growing up, I was expected to be a Musician, college grad, married in front of the church, perfect wife, outstanding Christian, and a quiet member of the community.

I am here to tell you: I AM NOT WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!!

Do I love music? Definitely! It has a part of my heart and is always a part of my life. Am I a musician so to speak? I don’t think so. Someday will be? There is the possibility that I will be, but it won’t be because the school Music teacher, pastor, school secretary, my teachers, and my parents (and a few others) expected me to be that. I am what I am, and I am proud of who I am.

I am a MOTHER, I am a WIFE, I am a TEACHER. My home and my kids are my job. They are my lifelong career-everything else is a hobby. EVERYTHING! They come before any job I could have had or could have now. They are MORE IMPORTANT and I want them to know that. I want them to see that they are my top priority. Not my “could be career” or the dreams others held for me.

Am I a college grad? Nope. Not even close. I didn’t even finish my first semester. But I did what I felt God was calling me to do. I left college and took a 1200 mile trip with a man I had never met, two kids, and my future husband to take care of a woman I had only spoken to on the phone a few times. Was it an easy decision? Yes and no. To me, someone needed help and I wanted to be the one to help. At the same time, I knew I was giving up college for a while. I do plan to finish one day-but no one made me leave, no one talked me into going, and no one manipulated me into doing something I did not want to do.  God commands us to help those in need and I intended to do so!

It’s funny, because the ones who got mad I left are still mad and they had NOTHING invested in said education outside of the car ride to get me there. And not only that, but I spent a week trying to negotiate staying in their home but was turned down until somehow they decided to look good they would take MY negotiation and make it sound like they had offered it all along. Too bad they hadn’t, maybe things would have and would be different right now. But my family was not there when I needed them to be. Half the time most of them still aren’t. And at this point, I am at grips with that, I have my life and they have theirs. Those who are on top of my priority list know they are.

Anyways, again, I digress! Moving forward to the next thing. Was I married in front of the church? If a coworker of my DH,(and his little brother) my Brother-in-law, and a Judge count as the church, then yeah. But if your definition of the church is a big building filled with fake people wanting to “celebrate” in your happy moment and brag for years to come they were at your wedding and loved your cake at the reception but ignore you unless they run into you at a family party- then no. One day maybe we will renew-even then, I don’t expect too many people to come, and at this point I don’t care. The important people in my life will be there and that is all I care about.

Am I the perfect wife? Hahahahahahaha. Okay, now that I got that out of my system. NOPE. There is no such thing as a perfect wife-there are many wonderful, amazing wives out there who are dearly loved-but non are perfect. To be a perfect wife, I would have to be the perfect person and the Bible clearly states: There is none perfect, No not one.

On to the next: Am I an outstanding Christian? Well, I am a Christian. More than I can say for lots of others who left the same town and environment I did. I feel like people in the church spend so much time worrying about what they look like, they forget that ‘God looketh on the heart.’  Where I grew up, perception was everything. I was never a quiet Christian. I was not afraid to ask questions or tell anyone what I had personally found in the Bible, I still enjoy that. They hated being questioned and even more so being wrong. I was never well liked-I was odd. I was okay being weird-some of that to get others’ attention because Heaven forbid they treat others how they wanted to be treated. I was either ignored or treated like crap because I wasn’t like everyone else and didn’t have everything everyone else had.

I love God. I love learning about God. I do not go to church every week. If I could find the right church in our area that was not only homely and kind, but also theologically correct, I would go every week. We found one like that in Wilson, but until we are there, I will search out churches until the right one comes to us for now. I do not “despise the coming together of the saints” but I have yet to find where God wants me and my family to be. (and yes, my husband is heavily involved in this as well)  I am proud to be a Christian. I pray with my kids every night and try to meet with God everyday (I fail-but that is called being human). I am not, however what one would call a outstanding Christian. I sometimes swear, I do stupid things, I make mistakes. But I will never allow what others think of me define me the way they did when I was growing up, and even after I left.

(A little history, when I left college-I became the product of the rumor mill. Apparently I was sleeping around and left school so I could live in fornication and was a total slut. Interesting-didn’t know I had time for all that… but thanks for letting me know I was on your mind! I appreciate it. If you ever wish to know the true, whole story, hit me up. Because it is not as juicy as I heard it.)

Last but not least: am I quiet member of the community? Maybe…Sometimes. If community is talking to my small little trailer park-then totally. I only speak up when necessary and leave people alone. When it comes to my kids-absolutely not! I will fight for them no matter the cost. They are my world and no one messes with my babies! When it comes to me-I am a quiet member of my community, until you question my character, talk bad behind my back then act nice to my face, or call me anything worse than a typical mean name like stupid. (as in, don’t swear at me-all hmmm will break loose!)

I won’t stay quiet if someone ignores me without saying why or if someone acts shady. I don’t do shady and I don’t do passive aggressive.  If you have something to say, say it. Otherwise, eat it and get over it because I don’t do fake. I won’t try to impress you and I won’t fight to keep you unless you want to stay. I have three kids to raise, a husband to take care of, and a puppy to walk . (along with home schooling, housework, and other things I’m involved in) I don’t have time to play games in relationships.

So, from what I see above, I am not what anyone has asked for. I am opinionated, stubborn, leader of my own life, and a non-conformist. But I see those things as my strengths (most of the time). They make me who I am. My own family doesn’t like it. They don’t understand being forward. (except my sister-no problems being forward there  ;P Love you sis) I don’t hang out with the people I once thought I would, I don’t care about opinions of others anymore. I am not even still on the same life plan I once thought I wanted. But  I can form my own path and do my own thing. I can go where I want to go and do what I want to do knowing I only answer to God and myself-nothing and no one elses’ opinions matter.

Sounds dumb maybe, but I plan to live my life based on the quote by Dr. Seuss-” You’re on your own. And you Know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.”

I am not what you asked for, but I am great the way I am and I am proud of the person I am becoming. Nothing could be better than that.  I am going to leave you with a quote for thought and I promise I am done ranting…(for today! ;p)

I-am-me-Im-who-Im-mean-to-be.-I-am-my-past-my-present-and-who-I-want-to-be.-Im-not-anyone-I-am-all-three.-I-am-a-work-in-progress-a-destiny.-I-am-who-I-choose-to-be.-I-am-me

 

God bless,

Sarah

 

 

 

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